If Only...

If only! If only I could find a job. If only I could find motivation! If only I could be inspired, volunteer, make money, find love, be happy, go out! If only, if only! I have to stop saying that. I have to start making things happen instead of waiting for them to happen. I mean I guess you can't just expect things to work out without doing work...but I'm tired of doing work! All i've ever done is work work work. I think that's why I'm so hesitant to want to actually start my life...because i feel like I lost a part of my youth to working and now I want to make up that time! Thats what happens when you're forced to survive. I think back to when I was young and I thought I knew so well what my life was going to be like and how reality changes all of those dreams. Reality and an economic recession. I'm so over the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer. When is it my turn to be comfortable in my lifestyle? When can I start buying things without worrying about the price?! I want that time to be now! Its so easy to get caught up in the life I have here. You lose motivation. Everyday seems to just be getting longer and harder to get through. No money, no job, nobody to push you when you start to lose interest. I know what I want to do. I've always wanted to do it but it just seems so far out of reach right now that I don't know what to think! I think this is the begining of a quarter-life crisis.

Man I miss college. I miss how easy life was (at least it seems easy now) and how carefree we were able to be. But mostly I miss the fact that I never had to be alone if I didn't want to be. There was always someone who was bored...and willing to make a trip to target with me (even in the midst of a huge ice storm). I miss the conversations, the laughs, the good times that seem like they were so long ago. I wish I could have appreciated them as much then as I do now.

SEE! There it is! I get these spurts of inspiration and hope for the future. Like ok I'm going to appreciate everything from now on and not take it for granted. But by tomorrow morning im back to being a little more miserable than I was the day before. I know this is mostly laziness on my part but it just seems like i'm glued to this point in my life and I get my one arm free and while I get the other, the first one just goes back and I've wasted a whole day. AHHH! I am reminded of something through this though...Dr. Seuss. Does this ring a bell?

"You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting."

I'm sooo at that place right now. oh boy.